


change the voices in your head

by MajorinMonster



Series: hold me tight and don't let go [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-slash still, very very pre-slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-30
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-21 08:13:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1543865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajorinMonster/pseuds/MajorinMonster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eight months later and Bucky had finally moved into Steve’s new apartment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. bad decisions, that's alright

**Author's Note:**

> So the title is from 'Fuckin' Perfect' by Pink. It just makes me think of Bucky. Hope you enjoy, if you fancy it check out my multifandom tumblr blog larakickasscroft or my queer superhero blog... queersuperheroes (the creativity it overflows) also i have this tendency to post things at 3 in the morning so keep that in mind haha, i'll read over it when i've slept but i just wanted to get it out before i changed my mind.
> 
> edit: i forgot to add this to the series, wow thats embarrassing sorry

Eight months later and Bucky had finally moved into Steve’s new apartment. It took more convincing than Steve had thought it would but it was worth it in the end. He’d contacted Fury and Natasha, told them about Bucky after the second time they’d met at the coffee house under Maria’s ever-curious watch. Natasha wasn’t exactly pleased that she wasn’t there to help but she was busy doing her own thing and Steve couldn’t fault her for that, not after everything she’d given up. And Bucky had come on in leaps and bounds anyway, he’d needed a lot less help than they thought he would. He saw a psychologist who was qualified with situations like his once a week and Steve made regular reports on how they were getting along twice a week. They’d compromised on a lot of things and it’d been stressful and awkward and hard but they’ve gotten through it.

“You want take out for dinner?” Steve slung his coat over a stray chair as he shook rain from his hair, the door closing behind him with enough noise that it was obviously done of purpose, probably to shake Bucky out of his own head.

“You have an unhealthy addiction to Chinese food,” Bucky frowned at him, “At this rate you’ll be having a heart attack in two years, never mind the super serum,” He didn’t say no but he didn’t say yes either and if there was one thing Bucky had become a pro at it was avoiding eating food he couldn’t watch being made. The one time he’d agreed to try Chinese food after Steve had used ‘The Look’ he’d travelled to the restaurant himself to watch them make it. The chef hadn’t exactly been pleased but the tip Steve paid appeared to cover it.

Natasha had told him off for trying to get Bucky to do something he wasn’t comfortable with but she’d conceded that he needed to get used to the real world again and it wasn’t always going to be possible to see your food being made.

“Hey, I can afford to eat, I’m well enough to keep what I eat in my body and it tastes a lot better than what we used to have, do you remember-“

“Probably not,” Bucky snorted, wincing when he caught the look of hurt on Steve’s face, “Sorry, pal.”

“Yeah,” Steve swallowed, “No. I’m fine. So, I’ll just run out and get some then?”

“Just enough for you, I already ate pasta,” Bucky didn’t mention how Steve had literally only just taken his jacket off, or how it was raining cats and dogs. The look on his friends face spoke volumes. He just watched, sighing softly as the other man all but ran from the apartment. It hadn’t been easy, coping with the winter soldier, Bucky and the new personality that had started to emerge from the mix of memories and forgetting, but he was managing it. He started using the name Bucky again, he remembered Cony Island, and Steve’s sicknesses in the winter. Steve on the other hand wasn’t as ok with things as he pretended to be. If he thought it would be better Bucky would move, get a new apartment somewhere he could break down if he needed to but Steve would just follow him like a lost puppy.

He loved his best friend. No matter who they’d been before the war, during the war or during the fall of SHIELD they were best friends now. Bucky was all Steve had from their old life and vice versa.

Steve came back carrying three bags full of food after about half an hour. _Captain America gets a rush order on take out_ , Bucky thought, trying not to smile.

“I said enough for you, not enough for the whole army,”

“I’ll eat it all,” Steve half hugged the bags to his body, defensive and moody.

“Hey,” Bucky chuckled, rolling his eyes, “It’s nice to see you with meat on your bones even after all this time, so please, carry on,”

“I can’t tell if you’re being serious or sarcastic but Chinese food beats your sense of humour any day so mostly I’m just going to ignore you,” Steve shrugged out of his jacket and headed for the kitchen. Bucky watched him, eyes narrowed. Steve was tense still, his back was a hard block carved from stone. He moved mechanically and despite the joking Bucky could tell the whole food thing was still bothering him.

Sighing, he pushed himself to his feet and ambled over, leaning against the counter as Steve heaped a plate for himself, eyes down the entire time. When Bucky was sure Steve had what he wanted he reached over and picked up a battered chicken ball. Steve’s eyes were suddenly sharp, stabbing into his shoulders as Bucky half turned away and took a bite. He was facing the living room, body tilted in a way that Steve could see clearly that he was actually eating the food but Bucky could keep secret the haggard panic that over took him for a few seconds as he swallowed.

“Bucky,” Steve didn’t move closer but Bucky could tell he wanted to, “You don’t have to do that for me. I just want you to be happy,”

“Hey, as long as these chicken balls aren’t _y’know_ , actual balls we’re good,” Despite his words he didn’t touch any more of the food. He was fighting the urge to throw up as it was as his stomach rebelled. Swallowing hard he moved away from the counter and back towards the couch. Steve was still watching him, torn between grief and satisfaction.

“Nope,” He settled on finally, grabbing his plate and sitting in the arm chair closest to the couch where Bucky had settled, “Not real balls,” Steve laughed quietly, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, “I ah, asked,”

“You didn’t,”

“I did,” His laugh was more genuine this time, “Not today, but the first time I ordered. I got one of everything off the menu and took whatever was left to the homeless shelter down the road,” He shrugged, “I guess I was still pretty thrown from being in this century in the first place, nothing would have surprised me including the consumption of actual chicken balls,”

“Well it’s not like they don’t eat them in other places, it’s just the delicate American population who don’t seem able to handle them, man the stories I could tell you about food,” Bucky made a face, scrunching his eyebrows up to his hair line, “Just how much money do you have anyway?”

“Enough back pay and pension-don’t make that joke, everyone makes that joke-to keep be busy, on top of my salary as an Avenger,”

“You get paid pension?” Bucky stared at him, “Do I get paid pension? Or are you officially my sugar daddy?” Steve choked on a bite of chicken, hacking it up like a cat with a fur ball and turning to glare at Bucky, “Hey I’m learning the lingo, dude,”

“No,” Steve literally face palmed, “No this isn’t happening to me. I can take being frozen in ice, I can take the bananas but I cannot take you using the word ‘dude’ in a sentence,”

“Get used to it bro,” Bucky sighed happily, at home taunting Steve, “And you can what, _take_ the bananas? Is that so…”

“Ugh,” Steve shoved a forkful of food into his mouth, still shaking his head sadly.

“Will I ever get to meet the infamous Avengers?” Bucky asked eventually, after the sound of chewing food and the quiet lull of the TV had settled them both and Bucky’s stomach had cautiously accepted the bite of chicken ball. He was half joking, since he’d already met Natasha and Sam, even Fury he guessed would count, not that those had been under the best of circumstances. But he was half serious too. He felt kind of like the dirty secret even though he was blatantly not a secret anymore thanks to Natasha’s skills with a computer.

“To be honest I’m keeping you away from Tony because I’m afraid the world will implode if the two of you ever get into the same room together,” Steve widened his eyes in mock horror, “Natasha is still on her get-a-life mission and I suspect that’s where Clint is too, Sam is in England at some kind of PTSD conference and Bruce is in Cambodia. I think Thor is with Jane so that just leaves Tony, who might literally make your head explode, worst case scenario, or, I guess, even worse is you’ll like each other and make _my_ head explode,” Steve snorted, rolling his shoulders as he shoved his now empty plate onto the coffee table and turned to face Bucky.

“So…is that a no?”

“It’s a if-they-were-here-absolutely is what it is,”

“Right…” Bucky stared out of the window.

“I’m not trying to-“

“So, does Iron Man literally hanging out outside of our window count?”

“No, it-wait, what?” Steve blinked hard, swiveling round to glare out of the open blinds at Tony, who was hovering mid-air, face mask down and grinning.


	2. welcome to my silly life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo...When i uploaded the first chapter a little while ago i forgot to add it to the series so some of you might be reading this without having read the first two installments of the series. it can stand alone but it's easier to understand a few bits and pieces if you've read everything.

“Sorry to just drop in on you guys,” Stark paused, “No that’s a lie. Not sorry. Figured it was about time you introduced your boyfriend to us,”

“Us?” Steve eyed the door suspiciously; having just let Stark in through the window he wouldn’t be surprised if there was a group of Avengers outside of his door.

“Nah, don’t worry, I was outvoted. They said I should give you time, let you adjust, blah blah blah, and then most of them left to do other things,” Stark rolled his eyes and huffed, hands on hips, “So, this is the ice cube to your Capcicle, you know you really need more friends who haven’t been frozen,”

“Stark, shut up,” Steve glanced at Bucky but he didn’t look all that fazed, studying the suit more than Tony himself.

“I told you, call me Tony.”

“And I told you, not until you stop referring to me as Capcicle,”

“Well that’s not gonna happen,” Stark sighed dramatically, “I guess we’ve reached a focal point in our relationship, a bend in the road, I mean this could-“

“Does he ever shut up?” Bucky interrupted, “Like, _ever_?”

“Nope,” Tony popped the ‘p’ with a delighted smile, “Nice to meet you robo cop,”

“ _Tony_!” Steve hissed, face slack as he stared at his team-mate.

“It’s ok Steve, he needs his jokes and his names to feel powerful. He’s just lucky I registered him as Iron Man when I saw him out of the window and not as a threat.”

“The kick-ass suit of armour helps too,” Tony’s smile widened to a grin, “Nice to meet you Bucky, can I call you Bucky?”

“It’s better than robo cop. Or ice cube, so yeah go ahead,” Bucky pushed himself off of the couch, and reached over to shake Tony’s hand with his own metallic one, Tony didn’t hesitate before taking it, though he winced slightly when the metal of his glove whined in protest as Bucky squeezed it.

“Can we stop with the pissing contest yet?” Steve covered his eyes with one hand, trying to resist the urge to bang his head against the wall. Bucky and Stark both turned to look at him and then, to Steve’s horror, they exchanged gleeful smiles. “It’s the end of the world,” He muttered to himself, backing up a step and narrowing his eyes at the pair.

“So,” Tony turned to Bucky, eyes as bright as a kid in a toy store, “When can I get a look at the arm?”

“On the evening of never, after fuck you o’clock,” Bucky’s smile was as innocent as it could get and it was at that moment that Steve declared the situation a lost cause and went back to eating Chinese food.

One hour and much food later Steve risked a glance in his friend’s direction. They were sat at the table in the kitchen, heads bent together and arguing heatedly about something. Bucky’s arm was propped against a stack of books and Stark was poking at it every once in a while. Tony’s suit was leaning against the wall opposite of them; he’d taken it off as soon as they’d started talking about replacement arms that Tony could build for Bucky.

“Two words,” He heard Tony say, “Dildo arm,” Bucky’s laughter probably woke the neighbours.

“Do I even want to know what you guys are doing?” Steve rubbed at his eyes and glanced at the clock. “Its 1am Tony don’t you think you should be getting back to Pepper?”

“Please, 1am. Is that past your bedtime grandpa?”

“Yes,” Steve grumbled, huffing.

“Fine, I’ll go, but you two are coming over for dinner tomorrow right? Bruce just got back so he’ll be there, Pepper and Hill too,”

“Ah,” Steve hesitated and glanced at Bucky who met his gaze.

“There a problem?” Tony raised a single eye brow as he stood and made his way to the iron man suit.

“I don’t eat food I don’t prepare,” Bucky studied his feet like they were doing something interesting and Steve felt a pang of sympathy stab at his gut.

“What, you think I’m giving you a free ride? Come over and help out in the kitchen, problem solved. I’m guessing it’s something to do with the whole assassin thing right? Well you’re not a special bunny, I had a few issues after Afghanistan and Steve here gets real funny around freezers,” Tony studied Bucky for a second, “Hey, maybe we’ll talk sometime. We can share war stories, do a little circle jerking.”

“Tony!”

“I’m joking Capcicle, chill out…see what I did there?” Tony snorted to himself and headed for the door.

“I hope you know the freezer thing was a joke,” Steve said, after Tony was gone and they were left staring at the door.

“He really makes an impression, huh,” Bucky shook his head, “Gotta admit, I didn’t think about Hydra for almost two hours straight so I guess he’s good for something,”

“He’s very smart. Howard would be proud-though, ah, maybe don’t mention that to him?”

“Not a good relationship?”

“Not a good relationship,” Steve confirmed.

“You know, I killed Howard and Maria Stark,”

Steve froze.

“That wasn’t a question. I know you’ve already thought about it,” Bucky watched him quietly, leaning back so that the front legs of his chair left the ground, “If Stark is half as smart as you say he is then he’s thought about it too, either that or he’ll have seen the files Natasha released on the world.”

“The Winter Soldier wasn’t mentioned specifically,”

“I never am,”

“Bucky,”

“Gotta take the good with the bad Steve, m’not the guy I was, I know you know that and yet you seem to keep forgetting. You can’t afford to forget, okay? Promise me,” Steve stared at Bucky’s face. There wasn’t a trace of anger there, just an unhappy smile.

“I promise that nothing you did was your fault,” Steve said,

“That’s not what-“

“I promise that whatever happens we’ll get through it,”

“Steve-“

“I promise, Bucky, I promise that there is nothing I wouldn’t do to protect you and help you. I won’t remember you as a stone cold murderer because that’s not who you are. You’ve killed people, so have I. We were in a war, and a lot of people don’t understand that. But I do and I’m here whenever you need me,”

“It is a part of who I am though. Bucky might not have done those things but the Winter Soldier did and as much as you don’t want to admit it there are parts of me, places in my head that still belong to him.” Bucky sighed and let the chair regain its four legs. He stood and made his way over to where Steve was still sitting on the couch. “I know I’ve been doing a lot better since I came to live with you, I remember a lot more and I know that most of what happened wasn’t my fault but you need to know that some of it was because as much as we both hate it I am still the Winter Soldier.”

“I love you anyway,” Steve met his eyes and refused to look away.

“I know,”

“Jerk,”

“Punk,”

“This argument isn’t over,”

“Whatever grandpa, it’s your bedtime,”

“You’re older than me you know,”

“What _ever_.”


End file.
